Some religious sisters sense their vocation in childhood. My path, however, had more twists and turns. Being a sister wasn’t even an option when I was growing up. My loving parents rarely talked about religion. As a teenager, I became skeptical of any faith that went beyond scientific proof. Yet I occasionally attended church with my paternal grandparents, faithful Protestant Christians, and felt a longing for something deeper that I couldn’t push away.
After my first year at Washington University in St. Louis, my beloved grandmother died suddenly, and my quest to figure out my beliefs became more urgent. I longed to be a self-sufficient adult yet was beginning to realize that I desperately needed God and other people. Maybe there were good reasons to accept Jesus and his resurrection, even if it went beyond science. After long searching and prayer for guidance, I awoke one morning with a clear sense that God was directing me to the Catholic Church. I got up the nerve to go to the Catholic Student Center and found out about RCIA. The welcoming community preached God’s unconditional love to me in a new way. While watching the congregation receive communion, I had a powerful sense that the Eucharist is Jesus, the Body of Christ given to the Body of Christ. From then on, I longed to receive Him.
I fell in love with God! My baptism at the Easter Vigil was amazing beyond words…and so was receiving the Eucharist and knowing that Jesus was truly inside of me! I became active at the Catholic Student Center and even gave a year of post-graduate service as a campus ministry intern. During that year, I met the Apostles of the Sacred Heart of Jesus at the Catholic Student Center. But then I accepted my dream job offer: working in the offices of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra.
I got an apartment with my best friend, found an active parish, and loved life in Chicago. I even found out I could walk to daily mass during my lunch break. Yet gradually, I felt a nagging sense that I was living my second-best life. When I came across a passage from scripture, “I remember…how you loved me as a bride” (Jeremiah 2:2), I got the sense that Christ wanted me to marry Him in religious life. But I knew hardly any sisters and immediately pushed back in denial. How could I, an only child, do this to my parents who weren’t even Catholic?
After months of resistance, I realized that I could not be at peace on another path unless I explored this tug toward religious life. I contacted the few sisters I knew, including the Vocations Director of the Apostles. When we spoke on the phone, she asked me, “Is this search more about what you do, or about who you are?” “Who I am,” I answered without hesitation.
As I met and spent time with more Apostles, I was deeply struck by who they are: by the joy, warmth, and humanity that flows from their commitment to Christ. Jesus led me gently, one step at a time. One night as I prayed with the Divine Mercy image, the rays of blood and water flowing from Christ’s heart captivated me. I could sense Him saying, “I want you in my heart.” And so many aspects of Sacred Heart devotion resonated with my experience: Jesus the shepherd who led me, who loved me in all my weakness and sin, who cleansed me in baptism and poured Himself out for me in the Eucharist…and who was calling me to share his love in a new way.
I still resisted that call, but finally I went for a longer visit with the Apostles at Clelian Heights in Greensburg, Pennsylvania. During that time, I had a deep sense that I was at home, that my searching heart had found rest. Watching the sisters and their varied personalities, I knew that I could be an Apostle of the Sacred Heart of Jesus and be myself. I was finally ready to say yes to God. Whatever your vocation is, God wants to lead you on the path that will help you become more fully yourself. I pray that you will follow wherever God’s “foolish wisdom” leads you.
